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476 Powerful Steven Wright Quotes to Inspire You

Absurdity | Books | Creativity | Driving | Experience | Food | Growth | Humor | Irony | Journey | More

About Steven Wright
Steven Wright is an American stand-up comedian, actor, and writer known for his dry, deadpan delivery and absurdist one-liners. Born on December 6, 1955, in Cambridge, Massachusetts, he gained fame in the 1980s with his unique comedic style, blending philosophical observations with surreal humor. His influence on stand-up comedy is widely recognized, inspiring many comedians with his slow-paced delivery and unpredictable punchlines.

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Here are 476 Powerful quotes by Steven Wright on various topics to inspire you.

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I was an only child eventually

1. “I was an only child, eventually.”

Family, Childhood, Siblings, Time, Humor

If vegetarians eat vegetables what do humanitarians eat

2. “If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat.”

Vegetarian, Humanitarian, Food, Wordplay, Irony

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was

3. “Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.”

Phones, Design, Communication, Imagination, Humor

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

4. “Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?”

Language, Phonetics, Spelling, Logic, Humor

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory You

5. “I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.”

Work, Factory, Fire Hydrant, Parking, Irony

I donated my body to science fiction

6. “I donated my body to science... fiction.”

Science, Fiction, Donation, Imagination, Humor

So I figured I’d leave the area because I had

7. “So I figured I’d leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn’t into meditating and she wasn’t really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.”

Relationships, Life, Meditation, Mortality, Irony

My nephew has HDADHD High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder He

8. “My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.”

Attention, Disorder, Clarity, HD, Humor

What would a chair look like if your knees bent

9. “What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?”

Anatomy, Imagination, Design, Innovation, Humor

I was born When I was 23 I started telling

10. “I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That’s still what I am doing. The end.”

Life, Career, Comedy, Journey, Simplicity

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish My

11. “Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.”

Dreams, Satellite, Imagination, Broadcasting, Humor

When I was ten my pa told me never to

12. “When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven’t spoken since.”

Family, Childhood, Strangers, Irony, Humor

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier

13. “For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”

Birthday, Gifts, Opposites, Machines, Humor

I had amnesia once or twice

14. “I had amnesia once or twice.”

Memory, Amnesia, Forgetfulness, Humor, Irony

Light travels faster than sound Isn’t that why people appear

15. “Light travels faster than sound. Isn’t that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?”

Light, Sound, Perception, Intelligence, Humor

The sun never sets on the British Empire But it

16. “The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.”

Empire, Sun, History, Wordplay, Humor

I saw a sign: “Rest Area 25 Miles” That’s pretty

17. “I saw a sign: “Rest Area 25 Miles”. That’s pretty big. Some people must be really tired.”

Signs, Travel, Rest, Distance, Humor

Childhood was very nice The only thing wrong was that

18. “Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?'”

Childhood, Introversion, Anxiety, School, Memories

My friend Sam has one leg I went to his

19. “My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn’t go up the stairs.”

Friendship, Disability, Stairs, Movement, Humor

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the

20. “Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.”

Memory, Deja Vu, Amnesia, Thinking, Humor

I had my coat hangers spayed

21. “I had my coat hangers spayed.”

Hangers, Clothing, Wordplay, Humor, Absurdity

I play the harmonica The only way I can play

22. “I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.”

Harmonica, Music, Speed, Wind, Humor

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a

23. “I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‘What for?’ I said, ‘I’m going to buy some sugar.’”

Bank, Money, Borrowing, Irony, Humor

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if

24. “Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?”

Lightning, Speed, Science, Nature, Humor

I went to this restaurant last night that was set

25. “I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You’d think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.”

Restaurant, Ouija, Supernatural, Imagination, Humor

Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

26. “Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?”

Cats, Food, Mice, Logic, Humor

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t

27. “Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?”

Language, Construction, Logic, Words, Humor

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they

28. “Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?”

Cannibals, Clowns, Food, Taste, Humor

The sign said “eight items or less” So I changed

29. “The sign said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.”

Wordplay, Shopping, Names, Irony, Humor

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note

30. “I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It’s a start...”

Dark Humor, Writing, Paper, Injury, Irony