QuotesMing.com
A
B
C
D
E
F
G
H
I
J
K
L
M
N
O
P
Q
R
S
T
U
V
W
X
Y
Z
A
B
C
D
E
F
G
H
I
J
K
L
M
N
O
P
Q
R
S
T
U
V
W
X
Y
Z
●
Home
»
Topics
»
O Topics
Observation Quotes by Famous Authors
1.
“Anyone who has crossed from the district of Bolkhov into that of Zhizdra will probably have been struck by the sharp difference between the natives of the provinces of Orel and Kaluga.”
Ivan Turgenev
2.
“Oh we have hard times to live through, those of us who are born spectators.”
Ivan Turgenev
3.
“His little eyes, which looked as if they’d literally been hammered into place, gazed out fixedly and uncomfortably, and he also had a way of laughing uncomfortably with an abrupt, wooden laugh.”
Ivan Turgenev
4.
“As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do.”
Andrew Carnegie
5.
“Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it’s cheddar. It’s the only cheese you can bite and miss. “Hey Mitch – does that sandwich have cheese on it?” “Every now and then!””
Mitch Hedberg
6.
“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.”
Mitch Hedberg
7.
“I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi circle.”
Mitch Hedberg
8.
“When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don’t know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It’s like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.”
Mitch Hedberg
9.
“I got binoculars ’cause I don’t want to go that close.”
Mitch Hedberg
10.
“I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.”
Mitch Hedberg
11.
“I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.”
Mitch Hedberg
12.
“I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.”
Mitch Hedberg
13.
“I find that a duck’s opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That’s the biggest joke on the duck ever. If I worked at a convenience store, and a duck came in and stole a loaf of bread, I would let him go. I’d say, ‘Come back tomorrow, bring your friends!’ When I think of a duck’s friends, I think of other ducks. But he could have, say, a beaver in tow.”
Mitch Hedberg
14.
“People think I’m into sports because I’m a man. But I’m not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that’s about as far as it goes. By the way, you don’t have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic!”
Mitch Hedberg
15.
“A fly was very close to being called a land, because that’s what it does half the time.”
Mitch Hedberg
16.
“You should never see an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order’ sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”
Mitch Hedberg
17.
“The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That’s a clever chocolate-saving technique.”
Mitch Hedberg
18.
“Here cometh April again, and as far as I can see the world hath more fools in it than ever.”
Charles Lamb
19.
“Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?”
Steven Wright
20.
“When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I’m leaving.”
Steven Wright
21.
“I have a fax machine with “fax waiting”.”
Steven Wright
22.
“I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.”
Steven Wright
23.
“I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.”
Steven Wright
24.
“I like to skate on the other side of the ice.”
Steven Wright
25.
“The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.”
Steven Wright
26.
“I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.”
Steven Wright
27.
“I just lost a buttonhole.”
Steven Wright
28.
“What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.”
Steven Wright
29.
“I had to stop driving my car for a while. The tires got dizzy.”
Steven Wright
30.
“Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?”
Steven Wright
31.
“My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.”
Steven Wright
32.
“Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?”
Steven Wright
33.
“I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.”
Steven Wright
34.
“Is it weird in here, or is it just me?”
Steven Wright
35.
“The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.”
Steven Wright
36.
“They say you’re not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They’re right.”
Steven Wright
37.
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.”
Steven Wright
38.
“One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.”
Steven Wright
39.
“All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic herbals for ceramic cats.”
Steven Wright
40.
“I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'”
Steven Wright
41.
“Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?”
Steven Wright
42.
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?”
Steven Wright
43.
“I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.”
Steven Wright
44.
“There’s a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.”
Steven Wright
45.
“I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.”
Steven Wright
46.
“Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?”
Steven Wright
47.
“Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.”
Steven Wright
48.
“I wear a hat on stage so that people won’t be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don’t wear a hat, there’s no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.”
Steven Wright
49.
“Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it?”
Steven Wright
50.
“It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.”
Steven Wright
1
2
3
4
5
6
…
23
Next
Birthdays
Mark Manson
1984
Morgan Housel
1984
Deaths
Charles Bukowski
1994
New Authors
Ivan Turgenev
Camille Paglia
J.P. Morgan
John D. Rockefeller
Andrew Carnegie
Guy Kawasaki
Mitch Hedberg
Charles Lamb
Margaret Fuller
Steven Wright
Top Authors
Albert Einstein
William Shakespeare
Mahatma Gandhi
Eleanor Roosevelt
Theodore Roosevelt
Winston Churchill
Oprah Winfrey
Martin Luther King Jr.
John Lennon
Oscar Wilde
Popular Topics
Love
Life
Motivational
Friendship
Success
Humor
Inspirational
Wisdom
Courage
Happiness