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315 Powerful Mitch Hedberg Quotes to Inspire You

Absurdity | Breakfast | Comedy | Decision | Exaggeration | Funny | Gambling | Humor | Irony | Joke | More

About Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor, unique delivery, and one-liner jokes. Born on February 24, 1968, in Saint Paul, Minnesota, he developed a distinctive comedic style that combined absurd observations, wordplay, and a laid-back stage presence. His offbeat humor and unconventional delivery earned him a devoted following, making him one of the most beloved comedians of his time. Despite his untimely passing in 2005, Hedberg’s influence on comedy remains strong, inspiring many comedians who followed.

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Here are 315 Powerful quotes by Mitch Hedberg on various topics to inspire you.

A-Z Z-A New Old Popular

I’m an ice sculptor Last night I made a cube

1. “I’m an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.”

Ice, Sculpture, Minimalism, Art, Humor

I want to ride in a cold air balloon “This

2. “I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!””

Balloon, Cold, Travel, Absurd, Wordplay

I travel with a boom box When I get on

3. “I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider’s point of view, it looks like I’ve got it all wrong.”

Boom Box, Travel, Airplane, Confusion, Retro

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana

4. “My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'”

Banana, Frozen, Wordplay, Decision, Humor

One time I was forced to go to the doctors

5. “One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.”

Doctors, Sports, Accident, Unexpected, Punchline

I had a bag of Fritos they were Texas grilled

6. “I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it.”

Fritos, Barbecue, Nostalgia, Summer, Snacks

Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse That

7. “Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman’s horse, you would be very confused. “I don’t think this dude can see.””

Headless Horseman, Mythology, Horse, Confusion, Absurd

I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of

8. “I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it’s exact purpose!”

Forklift, Wordplay, Literal, Humor, Machinery

I went to the airport I put my bag in

9. “I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.”

Airport, X-ray, Luggage, Dark Humor, Travel

I tried to throw a yo-yo away It was impossible

10. “I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.”

Yo-Yo, Toy, Frustration, Physics, Comedy

I saw a guy juggling chain saws it was cool

11. “I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it’s annoying.”

Juggling, Chainsaws, Performance, Danger, Skill

I was going to stay overnight at my friend’s house

12. “I was going to stay overnight at my friend’s house – he said, “you’ll have to sleep on the floor.” Damn gravity! You don’t know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.”

Floor, Gravity, Sleep, Joke, Funny

I bought a house it’s a two-bedroom house but I

13. “I bought a house, it’s a two-bedroom house, but I think it’s up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy’s house.”

House, Bedrooms, Decision, Funny, Ownership

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo

14. “Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!”

Shotgun, Limo, Mistake, Funny, Car

When you open the elevator on the top floor of

15. “When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.”

Elevator, Top Floor, Wrong, Funny, Awkward

I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms

16. “I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.”

Watch, Arms, Weight, Balance, Joke

I don’t have a microwave oven but I do have

17. “I don’t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.”

Microwave, Clock, Cooking, Funny, Absurd

A dog came to my door so I gave him

18. “A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I’m going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, “Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!””

Dog, Bone, Tree, Backyard, Humor

I have some speakers up here thank God because last

19. “I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn’t have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.”

Speakers, Jokes, Repeating, Funny, Confusion

I like cinnamon rolls but I don’t always have time

20. “I like cinnamon rolls, but I don’t always have time to make a pan. That’s why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I’d rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.”

Cinnamon, Rolls, Incense, Smell, Joke

If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my

21. “If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.”

Kid, Drawing, Magnets, Funny, Parenting

I wanna hang a map of the world in my

22. “I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.”

Map, Travel, Pins, House, Funny

I tried to have a cookie and this girl said

23. “I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, “I’m mailing those cookies to my friend.” So I couldn’t have one. You shouldn’t make cookies untouchable.”

Cookie, Mailing, Untouchable, Sharing, Joke

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker

24. “If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.”

Tightrope, Sidewalk, Fall, Unacceptable, Funny

I like to smoke a pipe because it’s the punch

25. “I like to smoke a pipe, because it’s the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing.”

Pipe, Smoke, Punchline, Laughing, Joke

I don’t think stand-up is being appreciated as much as

26. “I don’t think stand-up is being appreciated as much as it could be and I don’t think it has for a long time. There’s some great stand-up comics who come to a town and if they’re not a name, they don’t attract a crowd but in reality there are brilliant people out there.”

Stand-up, Comedy, Appreciation, Crowd, Humor

I met this girl she was an actress and she

27. “I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.”

Actress, Number, Phone, 555, Joke

I never joined the army because at ease was never

28. “I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don’t relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.”

Army, Ease, Relax, Military, Funny

I’m sick of Soup Of The Day man It’s time

29. “I’m sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It’s time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.”

Soup, Decision, Menu, Humor, Restaurant

Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled

30. “Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.”

Alcoholism, Disease, Yelling, Funny, Reality